As a child I often heard others speak of their own insecurities about their bodies. I didn’t think anything of it it was so normal. I learned it was not ok to be as you are. I learned to turn the lens of negativity upon myself and compared myself to others and frequently told myself that if only I lost ten pounds or was more of something else I would be better. In the past I let other people’s and viewpoints of what is acceptable define me.
Almost everyone I knew thought something was wrong with the way they were. I wanted to be tall and lithe, and I was short with a muscular build. I remember being in camp with a girl who I deemed a goddess, with a seemingly perfect figure and long lean legs. I would look at her and wish for her body, wanting to be more like her. I knew nothing about her, yet in my eyes she was perfect. As the years went by she was replaced by other women that I compared myself to time after time.
I spent my 20’s wishing for a perfectly flat stomach, and my 30’s a prisoner to negativity and shame about my new post-pregnancy body. To me my stomach was too big, my thighs were too thick, and my arms too bulky. My doubts about my body persisted, no matter what my weight was. I was never where I wanted to be, forever chasing the carrot of perfection. I didn’t realize that I was the one who was keeping myself entangled in a spiral of negativity. I didn’t know that it was a futile battle, one I would never win.
I credit my trainer Jenny with helping me change the way I relate to myself. She always said "Don't let the number on the scale define you". She modeled looking in the mirror and liking what she saw. She encouraged me to be the strongest version of myself I could be, both physically and emotionally. I learned to embrace my self-worth by changing the dialogue I had with myself. It took awhile to sink in, but thankfully it finally hit me. I am perfect as is, and I ceased to compare myself with other women.
I now relate to my body and myself completely differently. I know I am perfect in my imperfection. I no longer look in the mirror dissatisfied with my body. Although the propensity to critique myself is always there I have learned not to listen to thoughts that kept me stuck in an unhealthy dialogue with myself. I've replaced the negative self talk with gratitude and appreciation for my body and all it's been through. I’m more interested in being my authentic self than what society wants me to be.
By modeling the confidence I have come to gain I in turn help others to overcome their own perceived insecurities. Photographing other women and helping them see just how radiant and beautiful they are is my passion, it's important work that changes the courses of their lives and the dialogues they have with themselves. And I love passing that down, one woman at a time. Just as it was passed down to me by one strong woman, I carry the torch forward.