At the age of 40 I decided to do my own boudoir shoot. The way in which it transformed me was unexpected. I went in only looking to have some pretty pictures of myself taken and I had no idea it would affect me the way it did. After having a boudoir shoot, I can't imagine what life would have been like without the experience.
Although I was terrified, I vowed to learn to see myself differently, and my shoot helped me overcome the attitudes and viewpoints that kept me stuck in an unhealthy dialogue with myself. I went through many emotions prior to the shoot. My insecurities came out and all of the lies I've told myself were so ingrained I wasn't sure if I could shed them. I wanted to run away from the process, but I knew that if I did I would only give those voices more power. So I went through with it, and I'm so glad I did. I no longer wanted to let my insecurities about my body determine my outcome. I had to have the courage to let go of my preconceived notions, and embrace a new attitude that was based in belief in myself and my self-worth.
The night before the shoot I felt anxious, uncertain, and unworthy. I kept hearing the voices say “but you’ve never been photogenic”and "your weight isn't exactly where you want it to be”, Although I was unsure about my ability to pull it off, I was determined to try. I had a choice to make, and I knew I had to take the leap of faith if I wanted a change. I was familiar with those voices, but I could choose not to be a prisoner to them. I chose to ignore the negative feelings and embrace the experience, and in doing so I gave myself space for another belief to emerge. The day of the shoot came and I embraced the experience with an open heart.
I knew that for the pictures to be good the energy had to radiate from within, and I was placing my trust in the ability of the photographer to guide me through the process so that it could happen. As a photographer I did not like being in front of the camera because it made me vulnerable. I had to overcome that fear in order to create images that were more than just pretty pictures. I had to let go and trust, and although it was not easy I was able to do it.
During the shoot, the photographer’s gentle ways and her ability to bring out what was in me through our interaction calmed me and helped me let go. I took her lead as she took me through the poses and we began to create the images. I let go of my past views and chose to believe that the woman in front of the camera was the same woman I had always dreamed of being and never felt worthy of. And in the process I found my authentic voice, the voice that does not give judgement any weight. The new voice embraced my own strength and inner beauty. It was different, and it felt great.
When I saw the final pictures I couldn't believe my eyes. They were gorgeous, soft, feminine and beautiful. They made me see myself in the way that others had always seen me: strong, capable, owning my femininity and my life. At first I couldn’t believe that it was me, and then I kept looking at the pictures, marveling that it was my willingness to be open in conjunction with the photographer’s ability to see me and capture my essence. The whole process led me to believe in myself.
And then it dawned on me: I could help others transform themselves through the creative use of my camera and my unique insight. It was at that moment in time that my mission for my business emerged. If I had never allowed myself to be vulnerable I could not ask my clients to do the same.
Learning to see oneself as others have always seen you is a hurdle we all struggle to overcome at some point in our lives. If I had never had the experience I would still be telling myself the same lies, believing the same narrative. My willingness to be vulnerable in front of the camera and trust in my photographer led me closer to knowing who I am. It allowed me to see myself as truly radiant and beautiful in every way. Shedding the stains of the past and creating a new dialogue so that we can live authentically and without judgement from ourselves is one of the best gifts that a boudoir photography session gives to you. Looking back it was one of the most pivotal experiences I have ever had. And now I invite my clients to be a part of it too.
My mission now is to connect authentically with women and use my art as a vehicle for transformation. I'm changing lives, one woman at a time. I’m in touch with my unique power and I have written a new story for myself, one that embraces my strengths and has let go of a narrative that served no real purpose but to hold me back. I believe in who I am and what I do, and it feels great. I wholeheartedly believe that every woman should experience a boudoir shoot within their lifetime to celebrate who they are, as they are. It changed me profoundly, and I know I can positively affect each woman who comes into my life by giving them the space to let go of the past and open up to a new world of possibility.